Big Vent

Actually I don't even know what to say.

Rejected by a child because she wants to go her own way. Now, she needs help and in her own words just doesn't want to ask for it because it is too humbling. Yet, she will turn to other people who can't really help her and let them be there for her. She's having her first baby, and she was glad to accept my gift, but not me.

Surgery recovery stinks.

My husband only talks to me about his job. Then the rest of the time he plays computer games, yells at the kids, complains about the lack of organization in his life, rarely kisses me, and in his words "is grumpy with me because I am not reading his mind"


I love my kids, but I need a break. I can't stop crying.

I feel like I want to go home, but I am home, but I don't feel at home.

Oh yeah...I got pulled over today too. I love that the police are vigilant in this small town, but boy do they ever make up their own traffic laws...NO JOKE!

Adoption

We have some friends that are so on fire with the Lord's vision for adoption. I love adoption. I have wanted to adopt a child since I was a child. However, in their zeal they seem so optimistic. I was there once. We took a 12 1/2 year old girl into our home believing that God through the power of the Holy Spirit would change her life and the patterns that she had been taught from an early age. She broke our heart. As soon as she could she went back to a life of poverty and working the system. She is downwardly mobile, not working, pregnant, and poor. She wants little to do with us and what we have to offer. We stand with arms wide waiting for her to return. I miss her. I still hope and pray that God will change her. I hope it works out differently for my friends.

Books

I love to read. I love to read Christian historical fiction. Our new library doesn't remind us when our books are due like our former library did. I have not adjusted to this. Therefore, we are paying a lot of fines.

So the question I am pondering is, do I start buying books or come up with a system for the library?

I know, not earth shattering, but still a ponder.

Health Insurance

I thought the pain of miscarriages had been erased. Five times over the years our hopes had soared, a little less soaring each time, and then been dashed in floods of blood. My body failed to keep my children. Not my conscious fault, but still a physical failing of my body.

So today, I spent over 2 hours trying to explain to underwriters why the condition that caused the miscarriages really doesn't impact my life or health anymore. We are done having children. Miscarriages are over. Still, they kept poking at the scar. Now it is a wound. Yes, my condition usually has other side effects, but it doesn't with me. Trust me, I'm an expert. There was nothing more desperate than me trying to have a child. I know pretty much all there is to know, much more that you Mr and Ms underwriter. Even if both of you ask me the same question over and over and don't understand the nuances because they don't fit the drop down lists on your computer screen, my body is complex, and I understand it.

So, I had to go tonight back to the dark place, the place that I dare not visit or stay. It can't suck me in again. I won't survive. My family won't survive. I listened to Glory Baby from Watermark, and I realized that I wasn't sad about my babies. I was just mad, and frustrated, and irritated. That part of my life is done. The pain should be gone, but somehow it is coming back to bite me in the proverbial butt once again...at least the health insurance patootie.

And, people wonder why I am for healthcare reform. I am tired of being seen as a condition with statitistical odds. I've never quite fit those odds or totally the symptoms, yet over and over the simple words affect my insurance.

Oh, and I also had the joy of informing the underwriter that a tubal ligation does not prevent you from menstruating. I also had the joy of saying the symptoms that led me to a C-section was the fact that I was in labor. The underwriter laughed and said she doesn't understand why she has to ask that question, but by law she does. So we have a law that says such ridiculous things, but we don't have a law that can provide or at least regulate decent health coverage for most Americans, especially those with small businesses? I don't expect the government to pay for it for me? I just can't find any.

So, my first post is a rant, but my blog is pretty and that was a my project to make myself happy.